I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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