what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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