why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
