I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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