If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
