Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
