you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
