just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
How naked do you want me to be?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
