My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We are two peas in an std pod
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
