I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
