He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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