If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize