so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
