So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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