What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
