I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My life is pants optional.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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