I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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