grandma shit on top of the toilet
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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