We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
