Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize