Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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