He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
