he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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