walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
