well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
