Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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