We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
