I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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