Screwed.edu
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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