I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Your cock deserves a montage
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
