The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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