i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
