just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
