so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
