Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
this hospital has no fireball
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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