my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
