One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
