Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
