this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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