i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
