Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
