maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
