I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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