my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
