i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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