Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i've created a new STD.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize