wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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