Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
