Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
