He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm having to shit out rocks
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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