I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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