walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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