You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
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