halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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