Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
