Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
