No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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